Hello and welcome back to my blog! In case you didn't figure it out from my title, this blog post is about breastfeeding. I just wanted to put that out there from the get-go so that all you squeemish men can click that little "X" in the top left (or right if you're a PC user) corner of you screen. I will not get graphic, but it seems to be a topic most men try their best to avoid. This may bore some of you but, hey, I'm not forcing you to read it. The reason for me writing this is to sort of make peace with my situation, if you will. A total venting session. Raw emotion will come out, so be ready. If you have been in the same boat as me, this might even bring tears to your eyes...I know it will mine. You also may read this and think it is dumb to get so worked up about it but if you have birthed and nursed a baby, you will understand.
About a monthish ago I posted a status on my Facebook about my milk but haven't really said much else about it. Let me start at the beginning:
All through my pregnancy I had been adamant about two things: (1) a natural delivery, and (2) exclusive breastfeeding. I can't even count the number of conversations I had with my co-workers and various family members about how I was SURE I wanted NO medication, epidural, etc. After we got to the hospital around 4:30 that morning I asked for drugs AND an epidural. All I have to say is that I love epidurals. I love them. Period. I will have one with every baby I deliver if it is at all possible. Contractions hurt more than anyone could ever imagine unless you've experienced them and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Okay, getting off my rabbit trail now and back to the point of this blog: breastfeeding. I said I would ONLY breastfeed my baby because that is what is best for him. My mother had trouble breastfeeding but I thought that maybe she just didn't try hard enough or for long enough and surely I was more stubborn than her and I would make it work.
From many talks with my sister-in-love who gave birth to my nephew in March of 2011, I gathered information and knew how it was supposed to go: you give birth, a day or so (or more) later you become engorged with milk. It's painful, it makes it hard for the baby to latch on, and your body makes enough for triplets. It can be a complicated process because your milk flow is very sensitive; you must stay hydrated, eat plenty of food, and stay as rested as you can. I was so prepared. I drink plenty of water as it is so I knew that wouldn't be a problem. For future reference, when I refer to milk as has or has not "come in", that means this full engorgement that is enough to feed the baby without supplementing with formula.
When Jeremiah was born on June 6, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Right after I pushed him out, we spent an hour together having skin-to-skin contact. The nurse showed me how to get him to latch on and he did perfectly, first time. I was so excited because I knew that was a potential problem but he nursed very well the entire time we were in the hospital. I knew I had colostrum because I could squeeze out a tiny bit. I know that newborns don't need that much milk at first so I wasn't worried about it. My milk didn't "come in" by the time we left the hospital but the nurse assured me that it will come in 3-5 days after delivery. Day 3 came and went and Jeremiah nursed very well and slept a lot. Day 4 he was very fussy all day. I knew my milk hadn't "come in" yet but I still wasn't worried about it...I had read online that it may take 7-14 days in some women. That night he was so upset we decided to give him some formula. We fixed 2 oz and he sucked it down like his life depended on it. I was glad we figured out what was wrong with him but a little sad that I had to use formula because I didn't want to do that. Good thing my mother-in-love warned me to keep the formula my doctor had given me. I was going to throw it away because I thought I wouldn't need it. Thanks, Mom! Anyway, on Day 5 we had to take him back to the doctor for his "after the hospital" visit and I talked with his doctor about it. He was 7lbs even at birth and when we went back on Day 5 he weighed 6lbs, 9 oz. The doctor assured us this was what was supposed to happen and to keep nursing and supplementing if we felt like we should. We stopped by the Fresh Market and I got some Mother's Milk tea. That is some of the nastiest stuff I've ever put in my mouth but I figured it would really help. I drank at least 2, usually 3 cups a day and sometimes 4. Days 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 came and went...same situation. Had to give him formula because homeboy was starving. Day 13 I got very upset because of my "no milk" status...then I was upset because I was upset. I knew how sensitive my body was and stress could prevent me from having as much milk as I should. My sweet husband held me as I cried and assured me that everything would be okay and that it would come in. Day 14....still no milk. We went to the doctor for his 2-week check up and he had only gained 3 oz. He should have gained around 7. I felt like a total failure for about 2 seconds, but then my determined self said that I would somehow MAKE my milk come in. Instead of getting sad, I used all my energy to focus on what I could do to get more milk. I bought two more packs of Mother's Milk tea and drank it like crazy. I messaged a friend and asked to borrow her electric breast pump. I had purchased a hand pump but it was a POC. I would nurse him, feed him, pump, drink tea, drink water, and repeat. Very hard to get a good night's sleep when you nurse then fix a bottle then feed then burp a baby, let me tell you. I was so determined though...
The doctor wanted to see Jeremiah back in one month, two weeks from his last visit since he hadn't gained his birth weight back. After spending time supplementing with formula, he put on a couple of pounds and the doctor said that was great. My mother-in-love and I did a ton of research about how to get more breast milk. We found a recipe for Mother's Milk cookies. The key ingredient is Brewer's Yeast. Again, some of the nastiest stuff I've ever put in my mouth. Even in a cookie it is nasty. What's the point of eating a cookie and having all those calories stick to you if it doesn't even taste good? Oh well, I thought it would help. Per the suggestion of some friends on Facebook, I started taking Fenugreek pills 3 times a day, 3 pills each time. My cousin said to completely stuff my face with food. Her lactation consultant told her to eat 5000 calories a day, which I think is a bit much and I'm sure I didn't touch that number but I did start to eat everything in sight. So much for losing my pregnancy weight anytime soon...
So I spent my days pumping, nursing, stuffing my face, drinking water, drinking tea, making and eating Mother's Milk cookies, taking Fenugreek, and taking care of my newborn. Exhausting, right? You bet your bottom dollar! Especially if I had to go somewhere...how do you pump in public? You don't. It's also difficult to breastfeed in public...where can you go sit? On the bench outside of WalMart? That's another rabbit trail I won't hop on. Back to the story: I was so determined and I'm a stay-at-home so the way I saw it there was no reason why I ought not keep this schedule.
To further complicate things, Jeremiah had blood in his stool when he was about a month old. After a trip to the ER and two doctor visits, the doc said he must have a cow milk allergy. It could've possibly been an anal fissure but as soon as we switched his formula to the nasty Nutramigen with no cow milk protein, the blood stopped. As a new mom, I listened to the doctor because I didn't know what else to do. It could've been a fissure and just happened to stop affecting him when switching the formula...who knows? Taking him off cow milk meant that I couldn't have any cow milk either, since I was still nursing him. I didn't mind...I figured that would be a good diet. No cheese (that means no pizza!), no ice cream, no sour cream, no pre-packaged food items, no donuts....the list goes on and on. I didn't realize just how much milk we eat in food but it is really hard to find foods with no milk (other than meat, veggies, and fruit---what we're actually supposed to eat the most of). I'm not gonna lie, several times I considered giving up breastfeed altogether but every time I considered it, I thought "I can't be that selfish...he is getting good nutrients and immunities from the little amount he is getting from me and I can't stop now". I said as long as he would nurse, I would let him. I made some progress with my milk, even squeezed out a whole ounce a few times over the course of 20 minutes (squeezing worked better than the pump). I also enlisted the help of my best friend to pray with me and ask God to give me more milk.
His weight continued to climb and at his 2-month check up, he weighed in at a whopping 13 lbs! He is my little chunky monkey. I love his squishyness. I knew that for the last two months he was getting what he needed from me first and then getting his calories from the formula.
Over the past couple of weeks, he has almost completely stopped nursing during the day. I have tried to get him back on track but he knows there's not much in there and when I try to put him on, he rares back and screams. I give in and give him the bottle because I, too, know there's not much in there and I know he is hungry. I don't want my baby to feel like I won't give him what he needs. It will be one thing when he is old enough and wants some toy or something and pitches a fit and I refuse it...that is not a necessity. I don't want to withhold food from him for 30 minutes just to get him to try to suck out maybe half an oz. I have spent so much time deliberating on what I should do. I've asked everyone's opinions and everyone has said it's up to me. I asked Brad a few weeks ago and he said he thought I should keep nursing as long as I can. I agreed. That was when J was still somewhat interested in nursing during the day.
Now, since he refuses through most of the day and only nurses at night (and falls asleep after 5 minutes), I have decided to stop. He nursed last night for what will be the last time and my heart aches with pain as I sit here crying as I type. This has been been such a complicated ordeal and I am completely exhausted. I talked it over with Brad and he told me to just be done with it. He says I will feel much better if I just quit focusing on it and worrying about it and on top of everything worrying if I have accidentally eaten something with milk in it and could potentially harm Jeremiah. I took his advice. For a little while I felt free...now as I type this the sorrow has set in.
I long so badly to be able to nourish my child. I hate--absolutely HATE--signs that I see about breastfeeding or hearing people talk about breastfeeding and how it is best. Yes, it is best, if your body actually MAKES it! I never would've thought that my body simply wouldn't make enough no matter what I did but it surely hasn't. I sometimes hate my body for this reason. I feel guilty for not being able to feed him on my own...and yes, I know it's not "my" fault but it's "my" body's fault. I hate the fact that I won't get to look down and see those precious eyes looking up at me while he is attached to me drinking his source of life. That is a bond that only a mother can understand. To say that I will miss it terribly doesn't even come close. I have spent and will probably continue to spend a good amount of time grieving. Like I said earlier, you may think this is silly but if you were in my shoes you would understand. One of my new and lasting pet peeves is hearing a mother talk about how she wants to formula feed her child. So you mean to tell me you have plenty of breast milk and you let it dry up????? How is that fair?
The other part of me keeps kicking myself. I should be thankful that I have a healthy baby boy and I shouldn't worry about the stupid breast milk problem. There are tons of women who cannot even have a baby in the first and they would probably love to have breast milk problems if that meant they could have a child. Here I am upset when I should be jumping for joy and praising God that my boy is growing normally, has all of his body parts, and is the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.
The point is, life isn't fair. The Bible says that God gives and takes away. He has given me a child but taken away my ability to produce milk for him. I don't know the reason why and will never know. It doesn't matter how much I obsess about it, question it, or talk about it...I can't change it. Only God can and He in His infinite wisdom has chosen not to and I must trust Him. He knows what is best for me. This is what makes it so hard because I, in my human mind, think that the best thing would be for me to have an ample milk supply. I have to accept the fact that I don't know as much as I think I do and I can't control my life. All I can do at this point is to keep my faith in God and trust that this is part of His plan for me. Maybe He is trying to teach me to trust Him more. Maybe He is trying to teach me patience. Maybe He is trying to teach me to complain less and be thankful for what He has given me. Maybe He will give me milk next time. Maybe He won't. Maybe there won't be a next time. All I can do is pray and trust Him.
My last full ounce of "Mama" milk.
Jeremiah had this right before bed, along with 3 oz of formula...knocked him right out.
I just had my first chocolate chip cookie with a glass of milk and a couple of slices of Papa John's pizza for the first time in awhile
and while it was delicious, I'd still trade it any day for being able to nurse him.
For now, I will enjoy bottle-feeding my precious boy and be thankful that he is perfect and mine. Here is a pic from today after his bath. Isn't he adorable? Maybe I'm just partial...nope, he really is.
Until next time,
-Hannah Elise
