Emotional: dominated by or prone to
emotion (from Merriam-Webster's Dictionary)
This pretty much sums me up these days...no, I haven't had any crazy mood swings (that I can remember) but as an already emotional person I am finding myself very, very affected by everything around me. I know it's mostly hormones and it's totally normal to be this way while pregnant. I just wonder with all that I'm feeling and dreaming and imagining about Jeremiah (our baby
boy on the way in case you've been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks) how much more intense it's gonna get when he becomes more than just a thought and a tickly feeling in my stomach. I just can't wrap my head around it. I spend a big portion of my time thinking about him...
Some wonderings: who is he gonna look like? what color will his eyes be? what will his voice sound like? will he cry a lot or sleep a lot or both? will he be born with hair? will he be completely normal and healthy? will he be obedient? will he love me as much as I love him? <----- that one seems impossible.....these thoughts just keep swirling around in my head. To think of having a little boy that looks just like my amazingly handsome husband makes me tear up...the day I actually go to the hospital and give birth to him and hold him for the first time...introducing him to our families...the day we bring him home and he's ours forever...watching Brad teach him how to play basketball just like his Daddy...him sitting in my Dad's lap and playing peek-a-boo...reading him the Bible at night and praying over him...taking him to church and hopefully leading him to Christ...I could go on and on and I already have a little but I'll stop here--you get the picture. I can just see his life flashing before my eyes and I haven't even held him yet!
On the opposite side of all the happiness is sadness and fear. God says for us to not fear and I know this and have been taught this my entire life but it's one thing to say it and another to actually do it. As part of my human nature, I have these feelings that come naturally that I have to fight. I fight the fear that something might happen to Jeremiah...that I might lose him before he is born and I will never get to meet him or say goodbye to him...that later on in life he will rebel and wind up on drugs or in jail...or that something might happen to Bradley and now I have his son that I'm sure will look just like him and I every time I will look at Jeremiah, I will see Bradley and my heart will never really heal. I don't dwell on these thoughts (obviously or I would be insane) but they enter my mind and I have to just shoo the devil away and ask God to help me not be afraid. I know God has my best interest in mind constantly and He loves me more than anyone else in my life even has the chance to. I also know that He has a plan for me and it may be to live a wonderful long life full of happiness and laughter or it may be painful and tough but either way it is ultimately for His glory and I have no control over it...I just have to trust Him. I have a hard time doing this sometimes. Again, it's easier said than done. Which makes no sense...He made me and this entire universe but I think I can control my world better than He can???
"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" -Mark 9:24
And while I'm crying and letting it all out (sorry if you're bored by now...nobody's forcing you to read this ;)) let us move on to the other situation that has me on edge: the impending departure of my sister, brother, nephew, and neice. I'm not saying "in-law" because that doesn't justify our relationship. I have always wanted a sister. I grew up in a neighborhood full of girls (my poor, poor brother...) and we would play together every single day. I also have older cousins who are sisters and I grew up watching them and how close they were. My whole life I have wanted someone who I could share my thoughts with, stay up late and talk to, laugh with, cry with, hug, confide in, call for no reason other than to just say "what's up", rely on in a time of need, be relied on when she's in need...and God knew this. When I met Bradley (obviously) I was immediately head-over-heels for the guy and when I met his family the day after we went on our first "date" (aka the first time we spent time together period) I felt like I was getting into something wonderful. The more I was around his family the more I feel in love with them as well. When telling people about his family, I say "I hit the in-law jackpot", and I truly mean it. Like, the mega-mega-trillion dollar jackpot. His family is different than my family but in a wonderful way. They're a lot bigger, for one thing...I grew up with one brother and now I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. I love each and every one of them but have grown especially close to Abby...
(Okay...grab your tissue!)
...who, in case you didn't know, is moving. She and her husband, son, and daughter are moving to Africa to be missionaries. I am so proud of all of them for following the call and devoting their lives to the mission field. I believe this is one of the highest callings you can possibly have in life. Going out into the world and reaching people for Christ is our purpose, whether we "go out" around where we live or move around the world. God has clearly revealed His plan to them and His plan for them to everyone involved and I am so thankful He has spoken and made Himself clear. It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life watching closely the road these three have been on and how God has brought everything together and pretty much laid His plan in their laps (not that it's been easy...it's been a hard, bumpy road but the outcome, now that it's here, is so clear). I have watched them handle what the devil has thrown at them time after time and every time they have prayed and God has moved him out of the way. They have been so faithful and He has been faithful to them. I am thankful to have played just a small role in their lives and am so excited to see what their future holds.
That being said, here comes the part nobody wants to talk about. I have been holding this in and have been sort-of robotic because I know as soon as it's mentioned, the flood gates of my eyes are going to open and I don't know if I can make it stop. So I'm writing this tonight as they are leaving one week from tomorrow...maybe if I get some out tonight, I won't be such a wreck later on (yeah, right!)
I am going to miss them so much.
Words cannot even describe how much I love these three (four now).
I have grown so close to Abby these past couple of years that I cannot bear the thought of not seeing her for 3 and a half years. I know it is happening and take comfort in knowing it's the Lord's will but it is so hard. I can't imagine what she is going through right now and how she feels knowing that she is going to spend most of her life away from the majority of her loved ones and all that she will miss...what I can imagine, however, is the flip-side: how much I will miss her. I've heard people say that the missionary life isn't just for the called, but for those they will leave behind. I've honestly never even thought about how hard it would be for someone close to you to move that far away. I've just thought that it would be so hard to move and your family would just deal with it and carry on life as usual. It's safe to say my opinion has radically changed. Saying goodbye to her, Jonathan, Kyle, and Ellee will be one of the hardest things I'll probably ever have to do. I know I will see them again, whether it be via Skype or when they "come home" on furlough, but their "home" is now going to be "there"....and ours is "here". Things will never be the same again. Yes, God might lead them back to the United States at some point but there's a strong possibility that He won't. Thank Jesus that we will live together in our eternal home.
The way we will spend time together now will be via Skype (thank you to whoever invented that, by the way!). Nobody knows how good or bad the internet connection will be so it may even be rare to spend 30 minutes talking to her, "face-to-face". It's hard to think that I can't just drive an hour and go see her...it's even harder to think that my son won't even meet his cousins til he is probably 3 or more years old. Everyone whom I have told that my sister-in-law and I are 5 days apart in our pregnancies has said "oh, that's so sweet, the cousins will grow up so close and play together all the time!" and it just
rips my heart open to explain, "no, they won't..."
Please don't take this the wrong way and see this as purely my selfish bantering. I want them to go more than I want them to stay. But I really want them to stay. Even more than that, I want them to go. I just feel like I have to get all of this out and be done with it, thanks to my crazy emotional pregnant brain.
My goal in all of this to try to focus on (after we say goodbye and are sad and cry for a while) the big picture here and put my wants and needs to the side. I want to concentrate on praying for them and supporting them in any way I can. I can't wait to hear about the souls that are saved and lives that are changed through the ministry they will lead. I can't wait to meet little Ellee Renee and whatever other children they might have the next time I see them ;) I can't wait to introduce them to my son and watch them all play together. I can't wait to go visit them where they are ministering. Most of all, I can't wait til we're all in heaven and I get to meet the people that they sacrificed their time, family, belongings, and lives for. This is the big picture. Lord, please keep that in my view.
I love you all, Jonathan, Abby, Kyle, and Ellee, with every bit of my big gushing heart.
With ALL my love,
Hannah Elise
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